Yesterday was the day I married a narcissist at 18. Yesterday was a day when all of the memories from Rowan’s birthdays popped up, the pictures with my family when it was still whole. When my mom was well and alive, when my sister was my sister, and my girls were little and we were each other’s worlds.
It’s so hard to see and remember sometimes. To have known the pain silently, but see it in color is hard. To wish I was who I was before. Or to think about who I could have been if this or that did or didn’t happen.
I have felt untrue to myself in the grips of grief and depression over the last few years, because I always bounce back. I always show up. But I really haven’t felt like it. I haven’t felt hopeful or looked ok the bright side which has always been my way.
In the midst of it all, instead of granting myself grace I have too many expectations to be all and do all. Somewhere along the way, my joy has been crippled and my resilience dulled. My hope has been tired.
Today, I woke up as human as I was yesterday, but with some reminders and realizations. We don’t get over things, we get through them. Which means, it may take a lot longer than anticipated. We may walk out of the woods with some leaves in our hair, stickers on our clothes, mud on our boots and some scars from the thickets. But also with some wisdom on how to navigate by the stars on the darkest nights. Which berries are the most nutritious and which ones are poison. To stop and drink when there is clean water. To trust ourselves on the days when we think we can’t make it, that we can and will.
There is no going back to who one was. There is no going back period. We can live there in our mind, but we cannot go back and change a damn thing. It is a waste to stay there, besides evaluating how to improve the present and future.
What we can do is savor the sweet. Put down the phones, be present and engaged with each other, be human TOGETHER. Let people love you when you feel unlovable. Laugh as much as you can. Cry. I’ve choked back so many tears for so long. They eventually catch up and come out. Let it flow and wash away some of the heaviness. Reach out. Accept help. Look at the sky. Breathe deep until the air hits the deepest part of your lungs. Plant your feet on the earth and be present right now. Quit making everything a chore… you don’t have to, you get to. Be grateful, that makes what is enough. It’s so easy to get stuck in a loop of “everything sucks”.
I’m here to report that not one of the hard days have won. If you’re reading this, you’re in the same statistic. Not really sure why this spilled out this morning, but I’m a believer it comes with some kind of purpose. I just know even beaten and bruised, within a human being is a whole universe. It’s easy to get lost in there. Just know you’re not alone. ❤️
